(A handful of) the funniest adult jokes on the whole world wide web!

Blonde with two red ears

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang — but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Little Rascals dictate

The Little Rascals were at school one day when the teacher asks Darla,

"How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now spell "stupid".

Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says,"Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands up and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my DICTATE good."

Jumping off the Empire State Building

Two men are standing atop the Empire State Building.

One of them says, "If you jump off the building the wind will bring you right back!"

The other says, "Prove it!"

So the guy jumps off and comes right back. The other was amazed and so he runs, jumps off the building and falls to his death.

The other guy goes back inside to the bar and the bartender says, "Superman, you're a mean drunk!"

God, how long is a million years to you?

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"

God answered: "A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"

And God said, "In a minute."

Wife puts on weight

A young woman was packing her husband's lunch early one morning. As he walked into the room he told her she was putting on weight. The woman ignored the remark and turned to walk out of the room. He then said "Your behind is as big as a four burner barbecue". Again she ignored him. That night, when he came to bed and cuddled up to her, she rolled over and wrapped the sheet around herself. Stunned he asked "What's wrong with you?" She replied, "Why fire up a four burner barbecue to cook half a sausage".

Guy walks into a grocery store

A guy walks into a grocery store one day, and says to the grocer, "I need some cat food."

The grocer, an unpleasant man, says "Where's your cat?"

"It's at home!" says the man.

The grocer turns away and replies, "Then no cat food for you!"

Next day, same guy, same grocery store. He thought maybe the grocer was having a bad day before and decided to try again. He asks the grocer for some dog food.

"Where's your dog?" came the reply.

"He's at home!" says the guy, becoming upset.

"Well, get out of my store then, you get no dog food!" yells the grocer.

Next day, the guy walks in with a small brown paper bag. He puts it on the grocer's counter and says, "Put your hand in here and feel around."

So the grocer does, and looks confusingly at the man, asking, "What's that soft stuff in the bag?"

Smugly, the man replied: "I need some toilet paper!"

Wife asks husband how she looks

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror looking at herself asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went and saw him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "OK, take off aw your crows."

She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.

"Now," said Wang, "get down on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me to udder side of room."

Having done that Dr. Wang said, "OK, now turn round and craw reery, reery fass to me."

Once again she obliged.

Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see..... that why you not have dates, that why you not have sex."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt."

Yes and no tattoo

A man went to the tattoo parlor and had the words "yes" and "no" tattooed on his penis. When he got home that night, he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and its new tattoo.

"What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.

Deliberately she said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the laundry... and now you're going to put words in my mouth?"

Mickey and Minnie Mouse

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

Mommy's with Uncle Frank

"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy." Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."

"Oh my God... And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

Psychiatry and Proctology

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and ASS Holes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."